Dear readers, spring has sprung, and so have we.
We are back, and the world keeps spinning at a seemingly disproportionate rate. What the fuck is going on? We do not know, but nothing matters when the sun’s out. We’ve been enjoying the unexpectedly nice weather that has hit Northern Europe, and we’ve even fantasised about believing this is just like being back home. Will the shit weather come back to our grey cities? Very likely. Will we be able to overcome such disgrace? Definitely not. One could say it’s delusion speaking, we say it’s years of vitamin D deficiency.
Regardless, the TikTok (an online discourse) wheel keeps spinning, and we are once again committed to bringing you the best of it to your screen.
Neomachos: fake allies and the patriarchy calling at your door
Graziella and Teresa (@fornosantacaterina) spark joy in our FYP every time they appear. These two ladies from Puglia have been friends for more than 80 years, and they show us how to be a queen at any age effortlessly. Sometimes they casually make 5 L of negroni, sometimes they make you 1 kg of carbonara, and sometimes they just make bread.
This April, they shared this TikTok comparing themselves to @thedonutdaddy, and Viki couldn’t help but think about her neomacho theory.
Original video: here
What are neomachos? You may ask yourself. Well, if you’ve been close to Viki for the past two years, you probably already know, because that’s all she talks about. Neomachos is a term we use to define men who pretend to be deconstructed by rejecting hegemonic masculinity and doing things that have traditionally been seen as domestic or feminine, then re-signifying them as if they were new and as if they, themselves, had invented them.
But do they do this to smash the patriarchy? No, bb, men never care about that. They do it because they are inherently misogynistic, and by hating women, they can’t give them any credit. They may make bread, but they never ask their grandmothers, their aunts, their moms, who have been making bread for ages. No. They would rather buy a book written by a vegan-muscular-tattooed-bro who claims to have invented bread. They will follow everything he says, spend lots of money on his products as if it were a cult, and at some point, convince themselves they invented bread. We were all starving before they came along.
Now you're probably asking yourself: what's the difference between a Macho and a Neomacho? Well, Machos never hide their hatred of women. They’re straightforward misogynists. Neomachos, on the other hand, pretend to be allies just because they’re a little more “sensitive”, all while hiding their misogyny under a layer of fake wokeness.
In the meantime, our beloved Graziella and Teresa, have the knowledge of generations and generations of cooking and caring. They have the know-how, the experience, the charm. They don’t brag, they don’t pretend to have invented anything. They just make and honour their culture and cuisine. While this random dude called @thedonutdaddy needs to film bread as if it were flesh being hit in some erotic way to pretend he invented something.
So now you know, every natural wine you see, every sourdough bread you smell, every kombucha, every filtered coffee… Ask yourself: Is there (or was there) any woman in your family who knows (or knew) how to do this? And if the answer is yes, which it probably is, don’t go to these places. Go visit that lady in your family and learn from her. And if she’s not alive anymore, ask someone in the family if they know how she used to do it.
As we’ve been noticing in the last newsletters, men deserve to know they are being ridiculous. They need to stop being bloody pigeons out and about, and we have to call it out, like our girly Sabey.
Original video: here
So don’t forget to tell a neomacho he’s being stupid and should check his masculinity. Graziella and Teresa do this so nonchalantly that we can’t help but love them endlessly.
De-centering men: the only appropriate solution
Following the tradition of feminist enlightenment that this newsletter champions, and as an inevitable consequence of the previous section, we need to say it loud and clear: men shall not be the main characters anymore.
We deserve a better life, and we urge you to start de-centering men from your lives, too, so you can frolic and thrive in peace. And if you’re wondering how exactly to reach this glorious state of being unbothered, worry not: salvation is only a scroll away.
Once upon a time, sacred knowledge was guarded in monasteries, whispered by wise women, witches, and clever folks who passed it on through secret networks of oral tradition. Today? It lies in the TikTok comment section.
Original video: https://www.tiktok.com/@aglassofsweetd/photo/7490549424020639019?is_from_webapp=1&sender_device=pc***
Sourced directly from the holy grail of modern wisdom, here are a few gems to help you reclaim your peace:
Use the word flaccid in everyday un-stimulating conversation: “Your response to my question was flaccid; I expected more from you.”
For when you find two guys arguing, say: "Girls. GIRLS! Stop! You're both pretty!"
Instead of “ladies and gentlemen,” say “ladies and sons of ladies”.
Refuse to step out of a man’s path in public - they can move.
Tell a man, ” we can revisit the conversation when you are less emotional” when he’s acting up or being rude in the workplace
Ensure that not only your conversations, but also your internal monologue pass the Bechdel test - easier said than done.
Read only female-authored books (especially in fiction). Ariadna has been doing this for the past 5 years and greatly recommends it - a much more enjoyable experience (even the mediocre ones). Viki sometimes reads men, but please don’t tell anyone.
Jokes aside, these aren’t just silly shared stories for us; they're reclaimed narratives. We believe there’s power in turning the spotlight away from men and onto our own experiences, humor, and resilience. It's a collective exhale, a moment of solidarity, and, most importantly, a reminder that the female gaze is powerful, insightful, and - let's be honest - way more interesting.
So, here's to de-centering men, not out of spite, but out of necessity. Because sometimes, the best way to move forward is to change the focus entirely.
Diva Down: The Pope is dead
And if there’s only one man we should talk about, it’s the one and only: Pope Francis. Not news to anyone at this point, but in case you live in a bunker or are unbothered by the news cycle, the Pope has died.
As 90s kids raised in Catholic school, this hits on a whole different, almost trauma-bonded level. We might have been too young to witness John Paul II’s shooting, but boy, did we hear about it. When that OG saintly diva died, it was a big deal, ok? We talked about it, we had mass about it, we lived through it. We still remember it like it was yesterday.
Fast forward to 2011: new pope, new vibes. Back then, we were gifted with the canonical event of the World Youth Day (WYD) in Madrid, or its real Spanish name event: Jornada Mundial de la Juventud (Jota-Eme-Jota, if you wanna sound like a cool catholic girl). That was the exact moment when the legendary “Benedicto, equis, uve, palito” song - a piece of Catholic pop culture that remains in our brain rent-free - was born. This was iconic and age-defining for our teenage brainwashed minds. It was ridiculous. It was camp.
So, Pope Francis dying on Easter Monday? Are you joking? That is not a coincidence. Francis was holding on to dear life because he had one mission: outstaging Jesus on his resurrection day. Again, how iconic, how cunty. We can only imagine how the conversation will unfold in our old catholic school about this event, and we low-key wish we could be there to witness it. There is no denying that this is absolute diva behaviour, and it’s giving Kourtney and Kim Kardashian wedding theme drama:
Original video: here
Catholicism is a full-blown theatrical genre. The drama, the flair, the gowns. The grown men in robes. The grown men crying. The incense, the wine. The homoerotic undercurrent of literally everything. In our home country, people only cry for two things: football and Easter processions - and both are actual spectacles.
Sure, the Church has done a lot of damage, and we don’t stand by that. But every time Catholic-core TikToks appear on our FYP, we can't help but feel at home. And Semana Santa (Holy Week)? That’s drag. That’s theatre. That’s high fashion, and we will be watching every single year:
Original video: here
If you, like us, are a reformed Catholic girlie with a deeply specific blend of spiritual baggage and unhinged nostalgia, you’ll understand. This is camp. This is history. This is holy slay. Rest in peace Diva.
Original video: here
And now, an encore just for our Spanish-speaking readers. Having an Argentinian Pope was pure fantasy, and we got to witness it.
Original video: https://vm.tiktok.com/ZNd2gXY2F/
Only God - and the 133 cardinals heading into the conclave - know what’s coming next. Let’s hope He finds us freshly confessed, because as Pope Francis loved to say: we’re all sinners here.
Meanwhile, may your spring be bursting with fresh blooms, laughs, and well-deserved naps.